Sometimes, they tell you just what you want to hear...

I know I've written about this before...life's path and the changes that take place along the way...some we're ready for, and some throw us for a loop.  Maybe the loops are there for us to really treasure the moments that life hands us, that small moment that is a gift.

Living with a teen and a tween certainly has brought us lots of changes and stories and ups and downs and in-betweens...and oh, has it brought us "moments"!  I'm sure every parent can relate to that moment when you realize that your mom, your dad, your grandma and grandpa, that stranger on the street was right when they said, "Enjoy it, it goes by so quickly!"  as your toddler was running somewhere and you were chasing after, half laughing and half fearing the fall that would inevitably come!  That moment when you turn around and your toddler has now surprised you with a new, larger, smarter, capable young person, in the blink of an eye it seems.  You look back and have that moment of, "Where did the time go?!"  My oldest is going to be a Junior in high school next year!  We're having REAL conversations about college, for crying out loud!  My youngest is coming up with phrases that ... well, wait, she's always done that...but, now she prefaces her feelings by saying, "Please excuse my language, but..."  and she's trying to express herself in a mature way. 

(I'm going to knock on wood here but,) the days of tantrums seem to be over.  Those days have given way to discussions and understanding.  Oh, we still have our moments of rough-housing and snipey remarks between the girls...but I scold with a feeling of reminiscence and the moments pass quickly.

I catch myself, I know, that lurking around every corner are new battles, new experiences, both good and bad, but on a different level now.  There are new threats to a skinned knee as my daughter grabs the car keys... new heart stopping moments and we cheer our children on in their sport of choice that they seem to have to dedicate their lives to now...new bridges to be crossed as independence shows us opportunity for our children time and time again...after all they ARE still our CHILDREN.

And then, if we're lucky, we have a moment like this morning...
My Caitie, who has lived with her diabetes since she was seven months old, has surprised and astounded me with her resilience and her grace through living with this disease.  We have had serious discussions at a very early age, with me assuring her that she will NEVER have to battle alone.  I will always be there for whatever she needs me to be, and will always be there to help, support or fight for her.  As we have gone through our journey, Caitie has become confident in her care, able to do just about everything except for be a contortionist and get a pump site injection on her backside.  I have stepped back into the shadows watchful and wary, proud and encouraging...she's on her way to someday managing this disease in a house or a dorm away from me...and I'm actually getting okay with that.  So, it prompted this moment, that took me by surprise and made my heart skip a beat...

This morning we were discussing a field trip for tomorrow to the museum all day.  My daughter is in sixth grade~that means 12 years old, and, traditionally, I go on field trips to watch over her in the may lay that is a middle school field trip experience.  I do not expect any of the incredible teachers to be able to recognize and attend to my daughter if she has a low reaction...and the thought of her stopping to have a juice box and losing her group still is a concern...so I step in and take the role as chaperone and everyone wins...I think.  This morning I started to wonder, is it time?  Am I crowding her?  Is she embarrassed?  I think she's ready to fly solo, but... well, it seemed time to ask.   And so I did.
"So, Caitie," I said, "you know how I come along on the field trips and keep an eye out for you..."  "Yeah," she says. 
"Well, I was just wondering, what do you think?  Do you think you that you can go and keep an eye on things and be good to go on your own?"
Her answer made me take a sharp breath in...what she said filled my heart.
"Well, I like having you there on field trips, Mom."  It wasn't for the diabetes that she was saying this...she just spoke from her heart.
"Well, that's that then."  "Thank you for saying that Caitie."

A moment.


My 12 year old daughter still wants me around.  :)  That's that.  I'll take it for as long as I've got it.


Just one more...I was also informed last night, by the way, that "when you get old, Mom," by my two daughters, "please don't ever grow your hair out to your butt and please don't dress like you are a teenager.  That's gross."  Do you know what I reveled in last night?!  "when you get old"!!  THANK YOU LORD for the small gifts you give!!  Please keep 'em comin'!!

So anyway, I wanted to share that with you...because I think we all have those moments but we may let them slip by with the other chaos that is our lives.  Think about it, I bet you've got one...a moment...

Coffee, A Keyboard and Kids: Sometimes, you've got to laugh...

Coffee, A Keyboard and Kids: Sometimes, you've got to laugh...: There are moments in life that you feel the urge to give that primal scream a try... I was telling my husband this on the way to the airpor...

Sometimes, you've got to laugh...

There are moments in life that you feel the urge to give that primal scream a try...

I was telling my husband this on the way to the airport yesterday.  It seems our days have been filled lately with lots of "teachable moments", "life lessons", "challenges"...you know, those politically correct words that we parents use when we are working hard to teach our children the big lessons, to value themselves and others, to forgive and forget, or to forgive, but remember and learn, or to manage a disease way bigger than themselves in a way that will give them freedom to choose and excel, we hope...  with a teenager who is about to get her license and a "tween" who is trying hard to navigate the ups and downs (literally) of diabetes through hormones and middle school life, we've got a run on discussion topics these days!!  Thus, my thought of a good ol' primal scream after I dropped my husband off at the airport.   I was thinking this because, well, I got caught last week...

Every once in a while, as I've told you, diabetes gets to me.  Sometimes I have a week where I just have to say, "Diabetes is kickin' my #@! this week!"   Add to that the trials and tribulations of girls in teenage land (did I mention that before?!) and I had my hands full last week!  Diabetes was being a stinker...calls from school were coming in at every test, out of range and in the "Call Mom" zone.  I was managing a fundraiser, too, answering emails, trying to put it all on the calendar and another call came in from school, where, they take exceptionally good care of my daughter and she is more independent than any adult with diabetes would expect.  (I say adult with diabetes because sometimes you run into someone who doesn't know what it is like and they assume that a child can manage testing, calculating doses of the insulin that keeps them alive perfectly, and treat their low or high blood sugar without much more thought than it takes to tie a shoe), but, I digress...

The call came in and I took a deep breath and answered in my pleasant mom voice, "Hello?"  We went through the scenario and I told them I was on my way to school anyway to deliver the fundraiser, so, I'd follow up when I got there.  Then I hung up the phone, shoved it in my pocket, ... , and began my rant, "Ugh!  This day SU#$!! (I don't let my kids use that word, so, I can't either), "Seriously," I went on to my empty house, "Ugh!  Sometimes, my life just SU$#!, you know?!"  grumble, grumble...and then I hear, "Hello?"  "HELLO_OO?!!"  "HELL-O!" emanating from my pocket!

Ye-ahhhh... I stood there, frozen.  "Hello??"  The secretary from the school was shouting from inside my coat... ughhhh...

In that moment, I realized that A.  My life was really not all that bad, and, B.  Embarrassment is a good cure for what might ail you if you are absorbing yourself in self-pity.  :)

I reached in to my pocket and pulled out the secretary I was going to see in a few minutes face to face...and, I played stupid, hoping she had indeed not heard my tantrum.  "Oh, heh, heh, Hiiiiii!  I must have redialed by mistake!  I'm so sorry, see you soon!!"  Chipper Chipper!!

I hung up the phone this time, checking it once and twice again, and headed out.  I backed down my driveway considering the conversation that may be going on in the office, and, then, I just had to shake my head and laugh~out loud.  "Sue, Sue, Sue"  I felt so silly.  I was a little inconvenienced and I threw a tantrum.  My daughter is LIVING the disease and she handles it with grace and a shrug every now and then.  Shame on me...and, serves me right for getting caught in my childish rant.  And, thank heavens I laughed about it because that was the greatest stress reliever of all!  I walked into school composed and smiling, we never spoke of the phone conversation, so, I really don't know if she heard me or not, but, I am choosing to believe she did, because, when I think of someone actually hearing me complain about my life, I am embarrassed.  I actually love my life, with all of its ups and downs, the "challenges" and the "teachable moments".  My kids amaze me with their grace and intuition.  My husband listens to me when I need to vent about the day's events...my family is whole and knows we can lean on each other.  And...

yes, they can make fun of me, and we can laugh together, because, after all, laughter IS the best medicine.

Following the Echos (update)

Thank the heavens for Children's Hospital and those that care and understand a parent's fear.  I got in my car to drive home last night and checked my personal email while the car warmed up. (yes, Wisconsin living...we wait for the car to warm up a bit!)  There was an email from our doctor that told me that the new test result was in, and, it was perfectly, gloriously, fabulously, NORMAL! 

The wave of relief that washed over me in that instant was something I wasn't prepared for.  I had bolstered myself and gone about my business...not letting the thoughts creep into my head.  Now that I had heard the news, I was surprised at how incredibly vulnerable I was.  Life is precious and sometimes we get that reminder to take every moment as a gift.  This was one of those moments. 

Thanks to all who offered support.  You really did help that day and the following days, as I made my way through. 

I won't take more of your time now.  Time is precious.  Hug your kids or give a stranger a smile.  I'm paying it forward today!

If one were to choose when to give their child independence...I bet a thousand different answers would arrive.  There are many views, many opinions and many labels affixed to parenting...those that let their children learn by trial and error, natural consequences is a big one, (I always think of the fire example here...if they stick their hand in the fire, it'll get burned and they'll know not to do that again!)  There are the carefully calculating parents, those that have mapped out their child's life by the age of 6 months and are building a "resume" for them nearly the next day...signing them up and molding them into sculptures of paragons of good choices (in theory...because, what would the child have chosen?  We will never know...) And there are the helicopter parents...those that hover and catch before the fall, those that want to be in the classroom, on the playground, on every field trip, to make sure their child is treated "fairly".  (But are they defeating the purpose by being there, making sure their child gets the fair shake, when the other children do not have their advocate by their side?)  Ahhh...I know I would like to be just the right balance between all of the parenting perfection.  I try hard, each and every day.  But some days...I have to admit, some days, I just want to throw in the towel and say, "You're on your own, sweetie!"  (and yes, this is a parenting style as well!)  The question being, when is it the right time to do any of these things???

I have a sixteen year old who is learning to drive...takes her road test next month.  She's a good driver.  Still, I cringe when she pulls into that parking spot in the Target parking lot.  I try to hide it, but, my perspective is different from hers...from my seat, it looks like we're going to hit the car next to us...from her seat, she's doing just fine.  Do I say something?  Right now, where I'm at as a parent, I apparently cannot help myself...(catch before the fall-bonus, no damage to the car, either!)  My daughter is swift to tell me this approach is not acceptable.  She's right.  She is on the brink of independence.  I will be handing my car keys to her in a few weeks, to take this car on her own.  Will I trust her?  Yes.  I am quick to that decision.  So why the cringe? ... I'm fully aware she is capable of independence and is ready to run, fall, get back up on her own, but, apparently, I am not ready to let her go.  I know she's good to go, but, just one more hug...one more minute... am I selfish?  I'm nodding my head right now, "yeah, Sue, you are...you need to...I know."  But...

So, independence...it is something we try to teach from early on...from potty training to driving...I am assuming it does not end with that...wink, wink.  Hopefully I will not do permanent damage with my cringe, my nagging, my...love.  Hopefully, someday, she'll understand ... when she's a mom herself, I suppose.  I can hear her already, in her head (because I'm trying to teach her to be respectful of my feelings!) "I will never be like my mom!  I am never going to __________ fill in the blank here!"  And, then, I hope, she smiles and realizes, if only for a fleeting moment, why I  __________ fill in the blank here!

Parenting is hard work.  I remember my mom saying that to me.  We'll be back on the road again, and, I have promised my daughter that I will do my very best not to cringe, yelp, slam the imaginary brake.  I will do my very best.  But, as a parent I know, there will be moments in my head...not because I don't trust her or believe in her, but, a selfish moment, when I long for the hug instead of the wave as she runs out the door. 

I leave you with this.  We share a home with my father.  The four of us and Grandpa, too.  One day, as we were leaving to go visit my husband's family up north, and I waved to my dad as we walked out the door, my daughter said, "I wonder what Grandpa does when we're not there...I bet he has a party!  I bet he dances in the living room with Leo (our dog) and cranks up the music and has a party without us!"  I smile...and I hope so... :)  I'll invite you to my party when I get there!

Echos are loud this morning

I recently got back from a family vacation...a much needed family vacation...the kids have been working hard in school, my husband has been working long hours and I had been wrapped up in the every day life schedule for a little too long...we all needed a break!  We took off for California in the dead of winter and were immediately refreshed by the warm sun, bright skies and welcoming arms of my brother.  We were able to breathe, relax, and recouperate a bit.  Breathe.  It seems so long since I felt like I could take a full breath and just think for a moment.  But what happened was this...when I took that breath, I was interrupted. 

"Mom, I'm thirsty, do we have any water?"  A simple, innocent enough question, but, to a D Mom, it brings about all sorts of "un-relaxing" thoughts...what is her blood sugar?  Is she running high?  Did I pack the ketone strips?  Where is the bag?  and, Damn.  Yep, D took the ride to California with us, too.  Of course D did.  That's what D does, he comes with us everywhere...no wonder that backseat was so crowded, wtih the four of us back there!  My two daughters, me, and D.  Now he was trying to get in on the vacation.  Darn you D!!

So, of course, I asked my daughter to test herself and she rolled her eyes and sighed.  "Ugh," she said, "I hate Diabetes!  This was supposed to be a vacation!!"  And, my heart sank.  Yes, it was...but here we are, all of us together.  No break from D.  No way.

Most of the time we travel along in our lives and we manage, we cope and we persevere.  We don't let Diabetes get in the way of things.  We go to school, to work, to ski and snowboard, to meetings and parties and we move along.  My daughter, Caitie, she takes it in stride 99.9% of the time, really.  She's my hero the way she handles it.  But, it has been almost twelve years that D has been with us and she would really like him to move out!  Worse than a little brother, he is, always poking his nose in where it doesn't belong!!

I came home with my girls and my husband stayed in California to do some work.  The girls and I flew home and got ready to get back to it.  A site change, unpacking and getting ready for school the next day.  I collected the mail, ran through it quickly and opened the Christmas cards in the pile.  A letter from Children's Hospital was there, we had just been before our trip, but I chose to leave that for the morning, bills could wait one more day.

Exhausted, we crawled into bed that night with happy thoughts of the trip...the beach, the sun, the sights, the laughter (mostly at my expense, by the way, a story that will go down in history...maybe I'll tell you some day...)...Caitie crawled in bed with me, carrying our pup, Leo, just for this one night...or maybe two...  The lights were turned off, darkness surrounded and all was quiet.  Then, "Mom, I'm really thirsty, can I get a glass of water?"
...
...
...
"Hi, D.  I see you've made it home with us." 

After testing, and then dosing, I tucked my baby in.  After she fell asleep I got back up since a check was on its way again soon...I went out to the table and picked up the letter from Children's, might as well.  I opened it and the letter inside told me that one of her tests had come back  "abnormal"...another test needs to be done.  Now D was in my face and I do not like that feeling.  Fear in my heart and in my belly so strong it makes my stomach ache.  Get OUT!  I want to scream.  Leave us alone!! 

But, as any D parent knows, screaming, worrying, fearing the worst...that doesn't do us any good at all.  And, we certainly don't want to let on that we feel that way to our brave soldiers.  So, I have the doctor's number, calling for an appointment today.  I checked and rechecked that night, and she woke up with a 147.  Take that D.  Take that.  I will fight you until you pack up your bags and move out.  I will fight you with every tool I have at my fingers and I will not let you win.  Take that.

To all of you other D parents out there, I know you are with me fighting the fight. There is strength in numbers and I know we hold each other up when needed.  I do think we'll win.  We have to, right?

Volunteerism

Are you like me?  Are you one of those people that finds it incredibly hard to say "no" to someone?  Do you find yourself running around, here there and everywhere, doing, doing, doing?  Embrace it!  Love it!  Do more!!  What do you think of that?!

I recently...say in the last year or so, had decided that I was going to "cut back" and "learn how to say no".  I called it prioritizing, I rationalized in my head that I would not feel so "crazy" if I would slow it down and take less on.  I started small, saying no to, well, I can't even remember what now, and then moved on to larger "No's".  No to baking for a bake sale, no to a committee for this or for that...but, what I have found is that I had become one of the many that sat on the sidelines, critiquing the work of those that HAD said "Yes"... uh oh. 

Control freak?  Mm.  Possibly...  Know it all?  Ugh.  Could be...I really hope not because I know I don't know it all!!  I know THAT for sure!!  Cronic Volunteer-itis?  Most definitely.  I found I could not sit on the sidelines, when the rally call came out that there weren't enough people to bake, to organize, to put on the best darn "fill in the blank here", I got a twitch, then another, then, well...what can I say?!  If it needs to be done, then, "of course I'll do it!" 

So, here I am.  In all my glory, a volunteer-a-holic and just plain ready to throw in the towel and say it!  I love volunteering and helping others!!  In this crazy, fast paced, no one has the time for anything world, I have decided that using some of that time to try to be the super-mom, soccer manager, field trip chaparone, committee chair, bake sale baker, carpool driver, and helper in the "spot that wasn't filled" is my calling.  So, bring it on!  I'm going to keep trying to find ways to help.  I'm going to keep saying "yes" and come home and try to explain through the giggles why I said I'd...(fill in the blank here)...Need 127 of something cut by tomorrow?  Sure!  Can't find anyone to have that car wash while there's still snow on the ground?  Yes, I'll think about it!  I know, it sounds ridiculous...I've got a million of 'em, but, if it makes someone ~ especially one of my own ~ happy, then, I'm there.

So there you have it.  If you're like me, raise your hands in the air like you don't care and ...well, do.  Just do.

There is a secret method to our madness, we volunteer-a-holics...we get sooooooo much out of it!  There is a feeling when volunteering and doing for others that is like no other...when you are smiling, and you see someone smile back, because of something little you did...hmm.  Priceless.

So it is time for me to grab that cup of joe and talk to you soon...  :)  Enjoy the day!!